


#Scandalize Tony Stark 2k16

by darth_stitch



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Fix-It, Fluff, Humor, M/M, Romance, Schmoop
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-01
Updated: 2015-12-01
Packaged: 2018-05-03 18:36:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,032
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5302454
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/darth_stitch/pseuds/darth_stitch
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Five times Steve and Bucky scandalize Tony a.k.a. Let's Bring In All the Fluff Before the Civil War movie kills us all.  Also includes a bonus back story that involves secret weddings.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> The original draft of this fic was posted at [The Blanket Fort](http://darthstitch.tumblr.com/post/133979466356/five-times-steve-and-bucky-scandalize-tony-or) including [the backstory.](http://darthstitch.tumblr.com/post/133567478826/something-borrowed-something-blue)

**_one_ **

 

Really, there were more important things to worry about, like, how, _oh HYDRA infiltrated us again_ and was really behind the Sokovian Accords and basically tried to have the Avengers all at each others’ throats but.

But.

They were alive.  A little bruised.  A little battered.  A little broken.  But they were still assembled.  Yay team, right?

So Tony looks over at Cap, something clever already right on the tip of his tongue except motherfucking dick-puncher James Buchanan Barnes suddenly says, “Hey, sugar, you rationed?”

And Steven Grant “My Patriotism Shines With the Power of a Thousand Suns” Rogers actually _blushes._

He does, however, complain, “Why the hell are you trying the same tired old line on me, Buck?”

Bucky smiles.  “Because it works every goddamn time, punk.  C’mere.”

And he lands a smacking kiss right on Steve’s cheek.

Clint blurts out, “Aw, Stony.”

“ _My lips are right here_ , you jerk,” Steve asserts and makes Bucky correct his aim.  

“Wait a minute,” Tony begins.  “Is this a thing?  Like, this is an actual thing? The two of you? An actual _kissing_ thing…. no, wait, it’s a _making out_ thing, hey, grandpas, you two keep it PG-13 here!”

“I’ll be damned,” Natasha said but she happily accepted the popcorn that Wanda magically conjured out of nowhere for her. 

There are tiny noises in the general vicinity of Tony's ear.  He thinks it's Ant Guy.  They sound suspiciously like actual squees.

Rhodey - the traitor - had the most beatific smile on his face.  “My ship.  My ship is _canon.”  
_

_“MY CHILDHOOD!”_

 

 

* * *

 

**_two_ **

 

The record must be set straight.

Tony Stark does _not_ scandalize easily.  Pepper has _all the stories_.  Tony is fairly sure that Maria Hill's heard them all by now, especially since all it takes to get Pepper talking is a good bottle of vodka (a taste she also shares with Natasha) and those awesome dimsum things from that Michelin-star rated restaurant down the street from Stark Tower.  

And while Pepper has all the stories, Tony's certainly lived through them.  Though he will still deny, categorically, that Incident in Las Vegas that involved the tiger in the bathtub, Rhodey in the chandelier, Tony's sinfully comfortable Captain America boxers on that fluffy chicken and those indulgent, understanding BAMF chorus girls who prevented that weird psycho asshole from stealing Tony's kidneys. 

Tony _knows_ scandal, okay?

Except this is Captain America and Bucky Barnes and the thought of those two doing anything remotely resembling sexytiems is enough to make Tony's brain nope all the way into the sun. 

“Hang on,” Sam said with amusement.  “Didn’t you realize that every time Steve said _‘he’s my friend’ -_ he actually means _I love him?”  
_

“PENALTY FOR UNAUTHORIZED USE OF PRINCESS BRIDE REFERENCES!  Penalty and punishment!”

“You’re both wrong,” Bucky said as he swaggered into the kitchen.  How he managed to do that wearing nothing but Iron Man themed boxers and lovebites was a mystery.  “ _He’s my friend_ means _he’s my boyfriend_ and _I’m with you ‘till the end of the line_ is the bit where we both really mean _I love you._ ”  And because Bucky Barnes is an actual dickpunching sonuvabitch, he also adds: "These boxers are really comfy, Stark Jr." 

Tony buried his face into his hands. 

Sam whistled.  “Damn, son, why don’t you go put a shirt on?”

“I would’ve but Steve tore it off me a few minutes ago.”

“AAAAAAUUUGGGGGH!!!!”

* * *

 

_**three** _

  
Tony totally owed Rhodey five hundred bucks.

James Rhodes had the _fan fiction_ , the fanfiction dot net, the Livejournal and the AO3 account to back up his ship even though Tony totally laughed it off for _years._

And now Tony totally owed his Former BFF five hundred bucks.

God damn it.

Currently, the Super Soldier Boyfriends were making good use of the roomy loveseat (Tony was totally having that goddamn thing bleached within an inch of its life) by _cuddling._    What made it worse is that Steve _also had a freakin’ Bucky Bear_ and the _actual human Bucky_ was making grumpy jealous noises about it.

Rhodey sighed.  “And love, true love, will follow you forever, right?”  He took out his Starkphone™ and sneakily took a picture.  “I gotta send this thing to Coulson.”

“Wait a minute.  Agent is _dead.”  
_

“Um.  Agent Coulson is Director of SHIELD now.  Also, not dead.  Ooops?”

That was it.  This was Tony Stark’s supervillain origin story, hand on his arc reactor, swear to Pepper and hope to die. 

* * *

_**four** _

  
Tony’s not envious.

Nope.

He totally never had a crush on Cap when he was trapped in General Patronage/Parental Guidance Hell and he totally didn’t crush on Barnes when puberty hit.  He never went through the hell that America’s Sweetheart and America’s Oldest Heartthrob had put through many an unsuspecting youth in the past seventy years.

He was _immune._

So why in the hell was he not spared the sight of Barnes laying a possessive hand on Steve Rogers’ very well-shaped behind _in the communal kitchen._

“Buck!” Steve protested.  “I’m trynna’ cook the breakfast bacon here.”

“Aw, baby, I haven’t been able to put my hands on _This Ass_ for the past seventy years.  We deserve a moment, right?”

“Bucky, you just had your hands on my ass this morning.”

“Among other body parts.”  And there was a leer that Tony could not unsee.  Ever. 

Tony flailed.  That was it.  He was going to put his considerable brainpower to the invention of actual Brain Bleach.  
  


* * *

**_five_ **

  
Tony should have totally seen it coming.

He'd happily lived in blissful ignorance that Capsicle was still figuring out Google and it stood to reason that Super Soldier Popsicle No. 2 would be in similar straits.

He should have remembered he was really dealing with a pair of twenty-something shitheads with a terrible sense of humor. 

Considering things, it was understandable that the Super Soldier Boyfriends™ - as dubbed by Darcy Lewis - did not take too kindly at being separated from each other, no matter how briefly.

So perhaps people should not have been too scandalized at their antics (read: Tony Stark e.g. “Can the geriatric popsicles PLEASE stop being so sappy? MY FEELS!”).

Bucky had posted a picture of himself looking (adorably) disgruntled and with the caption: “I am a cuddle-deprived man, Steve” on Instagram.

He’d meant to post that for Steve’s eyes only.

Instead, he sent the Internet into a meltdown as everyone pretty much reacted with, “Cuddle him, Cap!”

Cuddlegate became infamous in Internet history.

Cuddlegate™ escalated when Steve “Call Me Captain Troll” Rogers posted a response to Bucky’s now infamous Instagram post.

It showed Steve cuddling Corporal Bucky Bear and the caption: “Almost as good as cuddling the real Bucky.”

Bucky posted back looking grumpier than ever. “I refuse to be replaced by a goddamn teddy bear. Why aren’t they making Cap Bears, GDI?!”

Someone not named Natasha Romanoff totally got Bucky his own Cap Bear.

And then, Pepper joined in the fun by posting a picture of her cuddling an Iron Bear.

Tony was betrayed on all sides.

* * *

 

_**...and one more for the road:** _

  
Steve Rogers is his friend.

Now they weren’t as close as Rhodey Boo Bear or Brucie Poo but Tony likes to think that Steve is his friend and despite all the shit that went down, their friendship is slowly, but surely being mended again. 

So he’s more than a little touched when Steve quietly told him about a [certain wedding back in World War II](http://darthstitch.tumblr.com/post/133567478826/something-borrowed-something-blue) that would never really be considered legal.  But things were different now and legal was definitely possible and Steve had just handed him his wedding invitation. 

“Look, you guys need help with the wedding reception?”

“Tony – “

“Gordon totally owes me a favor – “

“Tony…”

“I got him on speed dial - you and Bucky Bear have any allergies - no, what am I thinking, you’re super soldiers, you don’t _have_ allergies – “

_“Tony!”_

“Guh?”

“Bucky and I want you to be there.  Just you.  We got all the other things covered.  We want you there because you're family to us now.  We want _you_ to be there and that's _everything_.  Okay?”

And Steve, who was really Evil Incarnate, leveled that earnest, sweet smile that was so rare to see on a totally unprepared Tony Stark.

“Guh.”

Steve pats Tony on the shoulder.  “I’ll take that as a yes.”

“Guh.”

Look, so maybe Tony didn’t have tears in his eyes afterwards and he certainly didn’t cry at the actual wedding.  And his wedding present to his favorite geriatric super soldiers involved a honeymoon to a privately owned island in the Philippines. 

When Mssrs. Rogers-Barnes came home, Tony already patented Stark Industries Brain Bleach™. 

_\- end -  
_


	2. Bonus:  Something Borrowed, Something Blue

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Technically, Steve and Bucky were already married but making it legal is nice too.

Peggy was Steve’s Best Gal. 

Or Maid of Honor.  Or whatever title was appropriate considering it was a wedding composed of groom and groom.  Dum Dum was Bucky’s Best Man, but only because Morita lost two out of three in Rock Paper Scissors.

The lacy doily that Steve ended up wearing on his head for a veil was courtesy of Gabe, who would crochet and knit in his spare time and was sent the yarn and the hooks by his Ma.  It was really so he could knit himself socks but Gabe was happy to contribute to the cause.

And Monty took care of the rings and the dog tags and sure enough, he was _totally_ maintaining that British Stiff Upper Lip while he was at it and certainly his eyes were _not_ suspiciously bright. 

Howard Stark was pouting.  It was not entirely clear _why_ he was pouting but then he shrugged, said something about “hell, the best man won this one I suppose” and brought in a couple of crates of the _really_ good booze and some cheese as well, making cracks about fondue that made Steve go pink. 

(Steve Rogers was _never_ going to live down the fondue thing.  Ever.)

Colonel Philips loudly proclaimed that he was not _seeing_ anything that would be cause for a blue ticket.  What he was seeing was a bunch of soldiers enjoying some well deserved “R n’R” considering they just managed to stop HYDRA from unleashing yet another monstrous weapon on the battlefield and any drunken _harmless_ shenanigans that the Howling Commandos got into would be amply punished later by their epic hangovers. 

He totally did not toast to the health of the groom and groom.  Nope.  Didn’t happen. 

Dernier’s cousin, who had been smuggling Jewish refugees to safety, was a Catholic priest. Now, the Church has and still shows no signs of budging from its stance on same-sex marriage.  However, Father Jean-Claude was rather unusual sort of priest and had spoken wisely about marriage being a blessed arrangement, a dream within a dream in which true love could bind two people together forever and should be treasured. 

He had a rather romantic bent and was tipsy on the good champagne that they had liberated from that Nazi commandant, preferring it to “Stark’s American swill.”

Howard was mightily offended.

Father Jean-Claude was also horrified to learn that Steve and Bucky’s only witness to their first exchange of marriage vows was a _cat._   _Quelle horreur!_

Thus it was that he insisted on officiating the wedding.

Bucky knew he _should_ be drunk but he was stone cold sober when he repeated the vows - both Catholic wedding and personal ones - that he’d first made to Steve on that cold December morning, thankful that his beloved punk had made it through again.

Steve’s eyes sparkled beneath his make-shift veil but he was as equally solemn when he repeated his own vows.  _Till the end of the line_ and that was that. 

So yes, Steve and Bucky had their vows already blessed by a priest and their marriage witnessed by their dearest friends even though it took seventy odd years for the rest of the world to catch up.  Legalities were occasionally a pain in the ass.  And well, it was nice to have another wedding, witnessed by their new friends and family, right? 

And after seventy-odd years?  A honeymoon was definitely on the table.

After their Philippine honeymoon, next on the list was London, England and a visit to Steve’s MI-6 buddy, Q.

_\- Not Actually The End -_

**Author's Note:**

> Any rhapsodies to Steve’s Ass are all inspired by [@greenbergsays](http://tmblr.co/mGpDMywraA-VDrJJRzOx8wA)


End file.
